‘I Saw Katie Hopkins’

 

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I saw Katie Hopkins shoplift from Oxfam a porcelain figurine of a Newfoundland dog with a wooden barrel on its back in which you put brandy.

I saw Katie Hopkins asleep in a plate of chicken nuggets at a Little Chef; she was wearing a Cats tour jacket and one glove.

I saw Katie Hopkins urinate in a homeless war veteran’s begging cup from a distance of six feet.

I saw Katie Hopkins scratch a swastika onto a Mothercare billboard at the bus-stop.

I saw Katie Hopkins shove a cork in a dolphin’s blow-hole at Seaworld.

I saw Katie Hopkins go berzerk at a ghurka for wearing a burka.

I saw Katie Hopkins getting a tattoo of a lethargic gryphon.

I saw Katie Hopkins selling used batteries at a car-boot sale.

I saw Katie Hopkins buying Jethro DVDs from the garage.

I saw Katie Hopkins jogging with James Delingpole.

I saw Katie Hopkins eating worms at Kew Gardens.

I saw Katie Hopkins trying to set fire to Rochdale.

I saw Katie Hopkins force a child up her chimney.

I saw Katie Hopkins alone on a waltzer at 11am.

I saw Katie Hopkins grope Rod Liddle in Aldi.

I saw Katie Hopkins punch a new-born lamb.

I saw Katie Hopkins playing bass for UB40.

I saw Katie Hopkins smash a pint glass.

I saw Katie Hopkins snorting Bisto.

I saw Katie Hopkins’ rotten soul.

I saw Katie Hopkins laughing.

I saw Katie Hopkins sobbing.

I saw Katie Hopkins alone.

I saw Katie Hopkins.

Not that one.

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